julie445's Cancer Blog
February 28, 2010
I feel selfish, but I just can not stop crying over Cheryl. I had actually been thinking of her over the past few days and come on BFC and find she has passed. My heart just aches for her husband and son. I guess there are no words that I could say that would comfort one during this time.
I am just so damn DONE with cancer. I wish it were that easy. I just find myself crying so hard that my eyes actually hurt. So many emotions have been tucked away somewhere inside. Seeing the post about Cheryl just let it all come pouring out. I will admit I have become so negative and angry but have successfully hidden these feelings. Those around me really do not know how truly terrified I am. I also find it so amazing that I have these outpouring of emotions for fellow survivors that I have never met. We have this connection like no other. And Cheryl sharing her courageous journey with all of us, allowing us into her life, and her struggles. That is absolutely unselfish.
When these emotions have finally subsided and I can stop crying I am going to find one positive thing to do today to honor Cheryl. I don’t know what that is yet, but I have to get away from all the anger and emotions that I have let build up inside of me. How I am typing this, I don’t know. I feel bad for feeling this way knowing that Cheryl’s husband and son are now faced surviving without her, and my heart so aches for them. I guess from her posts we all knew this was going to be the outcome. It is just the reality of seeing it actually happened. I need to find a way to get out of this state of denial I have been living in for so long.
RIP Cheryl. You have had such a positive impact on so many and touched so many lives by sharing your journey. Thank you.I totally know what you mean and agree with your post 100%. I knew this day would have to come but wanted so badly for it to never happen. I curse cancer as well, today the world is a little dimmer without Cheryl’s light.
Posted on fkn cancer
Posted on I know what you are feeling. Everytime a good friend from this blog passed away, I get so angry. We have to come up with cure, SOON!
Posted on Julie,
Do not apologize for your anger. You/we have every right to be angry. Cheryl herself did not want to leave behind her loving family and friends; she had no choice in the matter. The best that we can do, is find some way to give back. Make our voices heard. Yell loudly for a cure for this dread disease.
The sun is shining here in Indiana today. Thinking if may be shining in Ohio as well. Think positive thoughts for Cheryl and her family. They will need all of the positive karma in the world to help them clear this hurdle and come through it the stronger for it. Think of how lucky they were to have had Cheryl in their lives. Not everybody is that luck! The world would be a better place, if there were more like Cheryl.
Take care Julie, we are thinking of both you and Cheryl today.
Bo
Cancer sucks! We have to keep fighting each and everyday.
Posted on I agree…I was soooooo saddened when I logged on and read Nelson’s post about Cheryle’s passing. I find comfort in knowing that her pain is over and she is at pece with our Lord. I feel terrible for Nelson’s and their son. They had some precious time with er in the end and I belive that will sustain them. She will always be their “bright star shining”...
The one thing Julie that WE ALL CAN DO in honor of Cherlye is to KICK CANCER’S ASS! We must keep on fighting the good fight~~~ face the fears and KNOW that she is above watching out for all of us.
She was a beautiful soul and will be missed by many. She touched lives in a way even she didn’t know of…she was just a very compassionate and brave woman.I had and STILL do have great admiration for her bravery and willingness to face her cancer head on. I will always remember Cheryle….
Posted on February 25, 2010
I saw my plastic surgeon on Tuesday for a follow up. He plays a very important role in all of this. He is the only surgeon who found this spot, so he knows where it is, how big it was,and so on and so on. He also just deals with cancer patients. So he knows the cancer business.
He did not do a pelvic exam because he said the location is in an awkward place and could not be done with me awake. Plus the lighting needs to be better and I need to be scoped. So we went over symptoms I am having….........NONE! My lab results…..........pretty good given I am going thru chemo. And I am 12 pounds heavier since he last saw me. So I am gaining weight. If it were getting worse, I would definately be feeling the symptoms.
The plan is to finished the last 3 rounds of chemo. See him again at the end of May. Then we will schedule an Exam Under Anasthesia with my gyno/onco in Cleveland who did my big surgery. The plastic surgeon will be in the surgery as well, if all is good, no cancer, then he will go in immediately to do the reconstruction and I will FINALLY get my reconstructed vagina. Praying hard this is how it all plays out and this chemo is kicking cancer’s ass!
So that is how my day played out on Tuesday. I feel I didn’t get any horrible news. Trying to stay positive about the whole situation. Although I am still trying to convince my local gyno/onco to have a little more optimism like my doctors in Cleveland.
Outcome of Tuesday's Appointment, 
13 comments)
Keep up the positive thoughts Julie. You are doing good on this. God Bless….. Ed
Posted on Julie—
I continue to wish you the very best with all of this. I know how important this is to you and I want it to turn out just fine for you. Keep a positive attitude—you’ve come a long way and I don’t think you’re done doing amazing things yet! I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs—
Martha
Posted on This is good news, Julie. Great that you are gaining weight, great that you have no Sx, and certainly impressive that you have been able to line up a surgery team yourself. I have been wondering how this appt. went since you last posted. I am so pleased that you let us know. Keep going—get that chemo to finish blasting those evil cancer cells. You have lots to look forward to in spring.
Hugs,
Andrea
Posted on Everything sounds great to me. I am sure you will be fine and get that reconstruction surgery in May. I am really glad you posted with the results. Thinking of you—Linda
Posted on Hi, stay positive, I can relate to what
Posted on Sorry, I havnt figured out how to navigate here yet. Stay strong, be positive and I will be praying for good news for you. I can relate to what you are going through, you are a very strong person
reconstruction, reconstruction, reconstruction! I’m thinking positive. You deserve it. You fought for it.
Julie,
No news (bad)is good news! 3 more chemo tx…girl you can do this! Where there is hope, there is life! Remember, patience is a virtue. When they do the reconstruction, you want everything to be just perfect! Hang in there, reconstruction will come…You now have two things to look forward to…a trip,and a vagina!
Hang in there Julie!
Bo
Good news Julie! Sending positive thoughts your way! Thanks for helping me to stay strong!
Posted on Hey Julie,
Keep up the great attitude and keep up the fight.
You remain in my thoughts.
:)
Jill
Posted on 
Thanks for your support - 
