julie445's Cancer Blog
July 3, 2009
As I wait for Monday’s big surgery I keep thinking of Farrah and her fighting strength. Although we did not have the same cancer, we both have a very rare one, her anal and mine vaginal. Both are squamous.
I am trying with all I have to maintain my strength, courage, and faith. I am shaken to my core. But, I close my eyes and I remember Farrah in her documentary in the end when she looks into the camera and says, “What are you fighting for?” I draw strength from her comment and question. I find it a very empowering question, especially to those of fighting this damn disease and those around us who support us and put up the brave front to give us hope and courage. They are fighting with us. Everyone has a battle they are fighting. I’ve been dealing with this on and off for nearly 2 years.
I wish my dad did not pass away 16 yrs ago, I find myself wondering if he is watching over me and protecting me. He was always protective. I went through this nearly 20 yrs ago, although nothing like this, still early cancer. He was there, he would sit and hold my hand after surgeries, he would tell me it was going to be ok. Right now I feel like a little girl wanting her daddy to hug and say it is going to be ok. I’ really missing him today, asking him to give me a sign he is here with me and it is going to be ok.
I am crying buckets of tears at this moment. I keep hearing Farrah asking, “What are you fighting for”. My answer is, my life. This disease is horrible, it takes so much from us emotionally and physically. Leaving the scars.
I keep saying to myself, this time next Friday I will be 4 days into recovery.
When Farrah asked that question, it was like she gave me a swift kick in the ass to toughen up and fight, and to win this war. Not sure if she or her family know how others in this situation are drawing strength from her actions and words.
So, when I am finding a moment of weakness, I close my eyes, and picture Farrah looking into the camera asking, “What are you fighting for” and for a moment I find strength, encouragement, and the will to beat this.
So Monday is my pelvic exenteration surgery. I will lose my rectum and bladder, and of course there’s also the radical hysterectomy part of it. I have my stoma markings and met with the plastic surgeon yesterday, he showed me where he would be taking tissue to rebuild my vagina and fill up the empty space in the pelvis. He was reassuring and very nice, gave me encouragement that I am in good health, young, and my small size makes the surgeons’ jobs a little easier.
So, I’m sure I’ll post again before Monday, surgery is at 7:15 am EST.
So, yes, I am fighting and I will continue to do so.
Julie—
I’m so glad you are finding strength is Farrah’s words to all of us—she would be very pleased to know that. Yours is not an easy fight, but I know you are up to it and are going to come through your surgery and all of the challenges ahead. One of my good friends told me that we should all give our troubles to someone who we know is stronger than us and let them carry them for awhile. I thought about this and decided to give my cancer worries to my good friend, Linda, who passed away in 1994. She was one of the strongest people I’ve ever met and I know she would be glad to carry my troubles for me for awhile. I’m sure you dad would be happy to do the same for you—just ask. It might sound crazy, but it has helped me focus more on getting myself well, rather than being sick. I will be thinking of you on Monday and will be anxious to hear from you as soon as you are up to it. Take care and May God Bless.
In my thoughts and prayers—
Martha
Posted on Julie, you sure are in for a big week next week. I dont know much about your cancer, but your op sounds like a big procedure, no wonder you are scared. Maybe you have to think of it like….they are cutting out and getting rid of all the unwanted cancer, the start of healing in this process. I actually dont even know what to say to you….I am just nattering on…..I am thinking of you, and I will now get on the internet and learn a bit about your cancer, maybe then I can have a more meaningful conversation with you! Good luck, I look forward to hearing from you in the future. Lots of Love Alison XX
Posted on Julie, I’ll be thinking of you Monday just like all your other supporters. I handle things the way you do——-”Tomorrow I’ll be finished with this surgery”. Sounds like you are in excellent care and I know you will do just fine.
Posted on my thoughts continue to be with you…will there be someone for us to reach to find out how the surgery and recovery is going…a friend or family member?
Julie, I am definitely sure your daddy is watching over you just as my grandmother is watching over me. They aren’t ready for us to join them yet either so let them keep pushing you back to us! Farrah is a huge inspiration to me and even though I don’t know her on a personal levvel, I felt that woman’s pain and miss seeing her smiling beautiful face!
hugs,
Amy
Posted on Julie; Try to have a wonderful July 4th, and make sure you catch as many stars from the fireworkds that you can.
I know you must be quite scared, as in any surgery, there is fear. Sometimes I wonder about Dr.’s and their calm ways. I mean do they ever think of surgery the way we do? I think if I were a Dr. I would be terrifed to go under the knife cause I would know tooooooo much. Having said that, I’m sure they are miracle workers and will do their best to make this a success. That’s their mission, to heal you so don’t forget that part of the story. I will tell you that your father is right by your side, each and every day. The fact that you remember him with such love, is a gift in and of itself. I too lost my Dad and I just can’t get over it. He was so loving and kind. He was one of a kind MAN. Now is the time to be brave and stubborn. Make sure you go onto that table saying come and get me and get rid of the enemy so I can get up and start living. The waiting will soon be over for you. Pray for great drugs. You are right, this time next week you will be grateful for this whole mess to be over.
God is with you always, don’t forget that. And your Dad is holding your hand.
Posted on Julie, I will be uplifting you in healing prayer and for your surgeons, that they be anointed with Wisdom to perform the surgery needed to cure you of this beast called cancer. Lily
Julie—
I’m thinking of you today and praying really, really hard that all goes well.
Martha
Julie,
I am of course thinking of you today. Your father is surely by your side. You cannot see him and you cannot touch him, but he is there. I am sure that there is a chorus of angels there with him.
You can do this. It is amazing how time flies right by. Soon you will be on your way to a great recovery.
Prayers by the truckloads to you.
Kim
Julie—
I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers all week. I hope your surgery went well and that you are now on the road to recovery. I will keep up the prayers for you!
Martha
Surgery is difficult and hard.There are days wonder why i did this. i remember y survivors,friends,and, family. i really took a chssnce on this surtgery.
Posted on 
Thanks for your support - 
